I Am Eccentric and My Life Complex

The only thing I know, or ever intend to know about the Chinese zodiac is what I’ve learned from reading the paper placemats at Chinese restaurants while waiting for my food. They all say the same thing.

Unlike the Western zodiac, the Chinese zodiac doesn’t divide the year into different periods. Instead, it gives each year its own sign until it uses up twelve signs in the twelfth year and then it starts over again. Thus, everyone born in the same year has the same sign, and the signs are named after animals—the rat, the snake, the sheep, etc. All the animals in the Chinese zodiac are real except for one. I'm proud to say that in the Chinese zodiac I'm the one imaginary animal--the Dragon.

Being a Dragon makes up some for the fact that in the Western zodiac I’m the most embarrassing of signs, a Virgo. I’ve never studied the subject in any detail, because I don’t believe any of this stuff, but Virgos are usually made to sound like very unpleasant people. I much prefer the thought of being a Dragon.

Over the years of eating lots of Chinese food, I’ve learned verbatim all that a placemat can teach me about Dragons, except for the important parts. Here’s what the placemats say to Dragons: “You are eccentric and your life complex. You have a very passionate nature and abundant health. Marry a [some animal I don’t remember] late in life. Avoid the [some other animal I don’t remember].”

I did in fact marry late in life, but I didn’t marry the animal the placemats say I should have married. It’s worked out okay so far, though.